Time to shop

Todd, I know you're excited about assembling your dream kitchen; I would be, too. However, give some thought to doing something really radical: Assemble a MODERN NIGHTMARE kitchen!

Here's how to get started: Look for a BOL, cheap plastic, off-brand dishwasher with one cycle, no options, a single spray arm, and a wimpy upper rack that bows when its fully loaded. It should have a flimsy, slightly warped door that's hard to close and a badly designed latching system. Ideally it will be extremely noisy and a poor cleaner, even with pre-rinsing.

Find the cheapest, ugliest cabinetry made. The drawers should be hard to open and the shelves in the cupboards should start to collapse after a couple of months. Look for cheap, fake wood plastic fronts and pulls which start breaking off about the time the shelves begin to fail.

On to refrigeration! Look for one with manual defrost, flimsy door panels which will crack under the load of gallon milk containers, and poor air distribution which will cause items to freeze in certain quadrants of the fridge section. It should be badly designed, with lots of potential for unusable interior space. Insist on wimpy shelving that will bow under a full load.

And finally, don't forget that nothing says NIGHTMARE KITCHEN like an uneven-heating oven with flimsy shelves that bow and cause cakes to come out slanted. Remember, if there are 12 cookies on the sheet, there should be twelve different degrees of doneness! A wildly inaccurate thermostat will insure just such baking disasters. There should be no interior light, a weak broiler and a completely ineffective self-cleaning system---preferably one which vents hot air right under the cheap, plastic knobs, causing them to melt, slightly.

I trust these helpful ideas are enough to get you started on the way to creating a truly wretched new kitchen for yourself. Now, get out there and start shopping, Todd! A galaxy of really badly designed home products awaits you! Bonus points for doing the whole thing, flooring, appliances, cabinets and all for under $2000. Don't forget to post pics, LOL!!


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Post# 86552 10/2/2005 at 15:20 (6,779 days old) by tcox6912 ()
Checkrate/Likes Well, the adjuster came to the house last week and did what he had to do; then told us we can start "demolition and reconstruction" following Katrina's wrath. Finally, one fun thing to do ... shop for my new appliances ... kitchen and laundry. Who's got strong feelings "for or against" any of the current choices. I am still quite partial to the Bosch dishwasher and the LG set, but I am always looking for something different or better! Bob, are you ready to go shopping with me???

Post# 86579 , Reply# 1 10/2/2005 at 18:40 (6,779 days old) by toggleswitch (New York City, NY)
Checkrate/Likes Do you have to rebuild exactly as it was? for example if there were casement window you must replace with casement windows, even if double-hung are less expensive and more insulative. Sorry to stray from the theme....

Post# 87023 , Reply# 2 10/4/2005 at 20:04 (6,777 days old) by tcox6912 ()
Checkrate/Likes *full choice* No, we don't have to go back exactly the same ... some folks are taking the money and then selling the houses as "fixer uppers". We have actually removed a couple of walls and are expanding the kitchen quite alot. I decided that while I am at it, I am going to build my dream kitchen.

Post# 87025 , Reply# 3 10/4/2005 at 20:09 (6,777 days old) by laundromat (Hilo, Hawaii)
Checkrate/Likes check out the LG dishwashers

Post# 87072 , Reply# 4 10/4/2005 at 21:43 (6,777 days old) by toggleswitch (New York City, NY)
Checkrate/Likes *negative becomes positive.* It is so nice to hear that even a little positive can come out of such MUCK.

Post# 87237 , Reply# 5 10/5/2005 at 17:30 (6,776 days old) by gansky1 (Omaha, The Home of the TV Dinner!)
Checkrate/Likes Congratulations Todd, I'm so glad to hear things are heading back to some sense of normalcy for you guys! Your new kitchen sounds great, you'll have to share some pictures with us as you go along. No opinions here on the new appliances, I haven't shopped for them much. ;-)

Post# 87330 , Reply# 6 10/6/2005 at 08:07 (6,775 days old) by frigilux (The Minnesota Prairie)
Checkrate/Likes Todd, I know you're excited about assembling your dream kitchen; I would be, too. However, give some thought to doing something really radical: Assemble a MODERN NIGHTMARE kitchen! Here's how to get started: Look for a BOL, cheap plastic, off-brand dishwasher with one cycle, no options, a single spray arm, and a wimpy upper rack that bows when its fully loaded. It should have a flimsy, slightly warped door that's hard to close and a badly designed latching system. Ideally it will be extremely noisy and a poor cleaner, even with pre-rinsing. Find the cheapest, ugliest cabinetry made. The drawers should be hard to open and the shelves in the cupboards should start to collapse after a couple of months. Look for cheap, fake wood plastic fronts and pulls which start breaking off about the time the shelves begin to fail. On to refrigeration! Look for one with manual defrost, flimsy door panels which will crack under the load of gallon milk containers, and poor air distribution which will cause items to freeze in certain quadrants of the fridge section. It should be badly designed, with lots of potential for unusable interior space. Insist on wimpy shelving that will bow under a full load. And finally, don't forget that nothing says NIGHTMARE KITCHEN like an uneven-heating oven with flimsy shelves that bow and cause cakes to come out slanted. Remember, if there are 12 cookies on the sheet, there should be twelve different degrees of doneness! A wildly inaccurate thermostat will insure just such baking disasters. There should be no interior light, a weak broiler and a completely ineffective self-cleaning system---preferably one which vents hot air right under the cheap, plastic knobs, causing them to melt, slightly. I trust these helpful ideas are enough to get you started on the way to creating a truly wretched new kitchen for yourself. Now, get out there and start shopping, Todd! A galaxy of really badly designed home products awaits you! Bonus points for doing the whole thing, flooring, appliances, cabinets and all for under $2000. Don't forget to post pics, LOL!!